Thursday, May 26, 2011
As Long As We Both Shall Live
As of Saturday, I'll have spent 11 years married to my husband Pat. We've been together now over 12 years. That's like first grade through graduation, people. THINK about that for a moment. How we learn, as children, to be students, to accept new knowledge and ideas, and grow as individuals through school?
Marriage is the same way.
I look back at the beginning and what a mess I was as an individual..... I want to cringe. I won't though. It's all a learning process.
I was insecure, I reserved emotion at times, I "waited for the other shoe to drop" because what my husband has given me is a reality I thought only existed in movies.
In my family, save a few limited examples, the hard fact was men leave.
They don't stay and build a history, a family, a life.
I kept waiting for him to "find someone better". Why not? Happened the first time around. My ex-husband is still, to this day, married to the woman he had his affair with. While that affair isn't the only thing that crumbled my first marriage? It sure as hell didn't HELP matters much! *snicker*
If I thought Pat was looking at other women? I lashed out. Of course in my mind I'd be calling myself a hypocrite -- I looked at other men, but I also knew that in my heart of hearts none of them could EVER pull me away from Pat. It's normal to flirt, look, even fantasize about other people. But if I thought HE was doing it? I didn't understand for the longest time his heart was like mine: Sure, look, but.... nothing will pull me away.
It took me a long time, even after the vows were spoken, to fully trust him. I wish I could go back and go "All In" sooner. Still, the caution was needed. I had to grow. I had to learn. I had to advance just like one leaps from Elementary School to Junior High School. Those growing pains are needed. How we loved one another through some of our more hellatious fights is beyond me. We had some doozies in the start, and some bad patches along the way.
But, more often than not, by a far larger percentage, the love outweighed the trials. Laughter far surpassed the tears.
We have watched one another grow into both amazing individuals AND grow into the "Us" we are.
He makes me laugh when I think I can't.
He believes in me when no one else has.
He sees a beauty in me I don't even seen in myself.
He is, simply put, my Best Friend.
We've held one another up through losses and sickness. In October of 2009 when Pat got sick, it dawned on me that we were mortal. Some day? We won't be here any more.
My Uncle Tom stopped by yesterday, and he spoke of he and my Aunt Mary being two months shy of their 60th Anniversary before she passed away. Makes my 11 years with Pat look....... so small. But we all gotta get through the 11 before we can hopefully reach that 60! And I hope we do last that long. I want us to be that old couple holding hands in the park....... Okay not the park. Perhaps a night club for the elderly.
I want this man in my life as long as I'm lucky enough to still walk this rock.
We've weathered our storms. Big ones. Small ones. STUPID ones where we both look at each other and say, "WHAT the FUCK are we even fighting about?"
We love so deeply sometimes it doesn't feel of this Earth.
Lately we have rekindled something, but that's not even right, because it implies it was "like this" before and it wasn't. We're growing again, to a new level of "Us". Less fights. More open communication. There are conversations we've had I know would terrify some married people. We are honest with one another about everything. It makes for a wonderful union.
I can't think of a single person on this Earth who is as best a match for me as my Yeti.