Today we have a vent-rant-mini rage blog against articles that claim to speak for women.
I'm a woman. I speak from my voice. No one else has the right to claim my gender and speak for all of us any more than I do. Where there are stereotypes there are usually enough people to behave in such a way that a stereotype is created, I get that, but there ARE exceptions.
I read yet ANOTHER article this morning where a woman claimed to speak for my entire gender on what women want in sex, and what women think MEN want in sex. Much like it's an error to speak for all women, it's a bigger one to be a woman and claim to speak for all men. When is this shit going to stop? We are all GLORIOUS individuals with our own quirks and kink.
You know how to find out what your man is into? Ask him. Talk about it. Be willing to set ego aside and REALLY TALK about what makes your partner tick. Otherwise you're applying ideas to an individual. You're assuming. We all know that "Ass out of you and me" thing where assuming is concerned.
And again, I'm just thinking out loud. I've made mistakes as a woman in assuming this and that about men. Most who know me know I have a pretty kick-ass marriage but it didn't start that way. We worked toward it, and in doing so we had to accept truths about each other but more importantly OURSELVES.
I'm going to speak from MY voice about a touchy subject within relationships: Porn.
It was a very specific topic in the article I read, and basically stated that "Men like porn" and made no suggestion that women do, too. The issue of 50 Shades of Gray was briefly touched on to point out the gender hypocrisy that takes place. Men watch it and they're pigs, women read it and it's literature? Uh.... no. Forget how shitty that book is. (I don't even want to debate it, folks. BDSM is a lifestyle based off mutual trust and consent. That book is about a man abusing a naive woman's desire to be loved. SWILL. SHEER FUCKING SWILL. *just my opinion)
Gray's Anatomy? Women are the biggest demographic of viewers, and it's NOT always about whether or not the newborn preemie twins live. It's about who Dr. McDreamy or Dr. McSteamy is gonna shtup next.
What woman, especially one who grew up in the 80's, didn't fantasize that she was "Baby" while watching Dirty Dancing?
Just because porn aimed at women comes in a different package doesn't make it NOT porn.
But I'm talking about ACTUAL PORN. Main stream and freaky shit together, when it's consenting adults and people are, basically, fucking on film. THAT? Does NOT belong to men alone.
I will FULLY admit that once upon a time I was, indeed, a wife that disliked her husband viewing porn. Forget the stark honesty that *I* enjoyed it. The idea of HIM enjoying it bothered me. I felt threatened. I didn't look like the women in those videos. They were thin. Bodies perfect. How could he EVER want ME if that was what he was looking at? Blah blah blah insecurity ego denial blah blah blah.
I had to turn my issue on to myself and pick at the real problem. I didn't like how MY body looked, so naturally HE didn't either, right? I mean, forget that I'd watch porn and get turned on by men that look NOTHING like my husband but still wanted him more than I wanted water or air.
Forget that I didn't "Need" porn to get turned on, but that it heightened my arousal and that I liked it and masturbated to it when I was single.
DO NOT forget that. How about we look at that clearly.
How about we let go of that shame? How about we TALK about it?
That's what we did. Talked about it. Was it comfortable at first? Nope. We had some awkward conversations. We had to take the shame of it all and chuck it out the window. We had to admit there were things we both wanted to try, experiment with, YEARS into a marriage that had what I'd consider an already healthy sex life.
The light that went off was stark and startling. Two people. living together for years, were having certain points of fantasy unfulfilled because "Married people don't do this" or "Porn is a source of shame" or "Women don't LIKE this, or that, so I'll keep my desires to myself".
Had we never opened up about what REALLY turned us on? We'd still be happy. We'd still be sexual. But it wouldn't be where we are now. We had to open up the lines of communication past what was comfortable and get to the nitty gritty of the down and dirty.
When we did, it was a whole new world for us both. There was no more shame. There was no more sneaky behavior. No one had to lie, shine on, or cover up anything. There was a freedom within our union.
I could finally say to my husband, "Sometimes I don't WANT the big seduction. Sometimes I DO want you to toss me on the bed and fuck me like a cheap whore."
My husband could finally say to me, "I want you to seduce me. Men need that attention too."
It went from "How I'm Failing My Partner" to "New Things We're Gonna Do". It took what so many could see as a negative and turned it into a positive. I don't understand, in any way, why some -- men and women both -- see their sexual union as a chore. I've never understood the mentality that having sex with the ONE MAN I found sexier than all other men on the planet was a bother, or a favor, or giving something when I wasn't getting something in return.
We live in a sexually repressed society that tells us lust is wrong. Flirting is wrong. We have placed the value of monogamy on marriage to SUCH an UNHEALTHY degree that people get jealous enough TO KILL OTHER PEOPLE. He looks at the big boob blonde waitress and wife goes into a state of depression even though SHE also noticed the nice rack. He freaks the fuck out because she "liked" a hot photo on Facebook.
It boils down to self and ego. "If they see something in someone else, what aren't they seeing in ME?" A wedding band does not shut down a person's libdo. It is not some magic circle that blocks the rest of the world out. It's not. Everyone wants that. "Oh I want to be the ONLY person they look at that way." Wake up. Grow up. The world is FILLED with sexy people. And when you say "Yep, go ahead and look," because you know YOU LOOK just as much, only you're better at hiding it and lying to them and yourself about it? You're putting a big wet sand bag on the other person's natural human fire of desire and lust.
So, for all the "All Women Think THIS Way!" articles? I say kiss my ass.
I own my own mind. I also own my own desire. I SHARE it with my husband -- freely, openly, willingly -- and in return he shares with me what belongs to HIM. It takes NOTHING from me if I'm not home and he settles in for some porn, or vice versa. It takes nothing from me if he pops a chub when he's at the bar and notices some chick with a rockin' rack and a hot ass. It DOES take something from me if I am constantly nagging, pissing and moaning, and whining about his libido. It takes something from me because every time I'd fire up the bitch siren I was putting that fire in him out.
I do not speak for all women.
I speak as a woman, that sex in a marriage IS vital, and important, and not a chore. It's not a favor. It's not "Part of my job". It's the damn BONUS for having to pick up his dirty socks and wash hair out of my sink after he shaves.
I gotta put up with a hairy man farting in my living room? At least I get to play with his cock.
I gotta listen to that story about the guys at the shop for the fifteenth time this week? Fine. SERVICE ME, stud.
I celebrate my husband's masculine nature and his very existence as a vital, healthy man.
In turn he celebrates my natural nature of being a "sex kitten. (HIS words, NOT mine.)
I don't resent him if he's in the mood and I'm not. I just tell him to smack one out in the shower and think of something dirty and pervy while he's doing it. Chances are? I've done the same.
Lighten up people.
Go forth and be pervy.