Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Team Edward! Team Jacob! Good Grief.

Even as a child I was fascinated with Vampire stories and the mythology surrounding Vampires. While I thought casting Keanu and Wynona in Bram Stoker's "Dracula" was a HORRIFIC Hollywood mistake, I still enjoyed that version. Let's face it - Dracula is THE greatest love story of ALL time. A man, so distraught he loses his ONE TRUE LOVE, renounces God to become a blood sucking monster? He'd rather be Damned To Hell than live without her?

Fuck, sometimes I can't even get The Yeti to pick up his friggin' socks!

Most friends know I was pretty deep into Buffy The Vampire Slayer when it was popular. I didn't continue my fixation with the comic books (I might lose some girl-geek points there) but I own all seasons of Buffy and Angel on DVD and still squee a bit when I catch a favorite episode on FX just so I don't have to dig out that specific disc.
For the record? Yeah.... Angel? Total puss. SPIKE was the TRUE "Vampire with a soul" Angel had to be INFECTED with his humanity. Spike FOUGHT for his. But I digress...

When Twilight started its own Vampire phenomenon, I ignored it. I saw posts about women going ape shit for Ed Cullen and Team Edward and Team Jacob and blah blah blah and I fought the whole thing, because I'd heard about the sparkling. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Vampires that GLITTER?? What the FUCK?? How bad ass could Spike have EVER looked either in Evil Form or Reformed Form if his skin looked like someone spritzed him with Stripper Glitter?

One night out of utter boredom and curiosity, we sat and watched the first movie in the Twilight series.

I was surprised it wasn't horrible. I can say "I'm wrong" if I feel I'm wrong. On the glittery bullshit I am NOT wrong. Edward goes off on educating Bella about what supreme killing machines Vampires are and yet looks like he was decorated by a bored 10 year old with a Bedazzler Obsession.

And the whole "Ancient Vampire falls in love with high school beauty" had been done already.... in Buffy, thank YOU vurry much. AND in the Buffy world it was done BETTER in my opinion. MUCH more of a conflict that the Vamp's lover is set to be THE ONE chick to KILL his kind.

Still, the movie didn't totally suck. (pun intended). The Vampires in Twilight are largely portrayed in physical form to remain human looking, albeit pale and in sunlight.... fucking GLITTERY. (grumble... glitter... what the hell?) There is no marked transformation when the demon inside surfaces to feed as in Buffy. There are no comical Bella Legosi fangs that spout.

It's my understanding the first movie had a very small budget, but the artistry within the film can't be balked at. The colors and mood and tone are very Artsy in their presentation.

I had zero desire to rush to the theaters when the next two movies were released. I have, however, just viewed the movies on Showtime and I'm pissed because I've totally gotten HOOKED into the storyline and mythology of the Twilight universe.

I AM curious though at what the allure of Bella IS to Edward and Jacob. She's miserable 99% of the time, and when she gazes upon each in her own love-lorn way? I'm sorry but the girl looks slightly cock-eyed. I know "Forks" (did I get that right?) is a small place, but not so small that this ONE chick should be able to upset centuries of monsters and wolves and their pacts and treaties and blah blah blah. Bella needs rescued as much as Buffy's little sister Dawn did, and most Buffy fans fucking hated Dawn.

The pull for Edward to want Bella to remain human speaks in part to a very abusive relationship: Hold the woman down, keep her frail, don't let her get too strong, so she will always need me. Control her. Yeah..... it sends a shitty subliminal message to young girls caught up in this shit that that is romantic. It's not. Edward might be fighting the idea of changing Bella over because he cares about her "soul" but as a grown woman all I can think is, "Control freak." If she is in trouble he will ALWAYS have to fight for her, never being able to defend herself.

I haven't read the books. I don't know how it all spins out, and I don't want to know. I'm fine for the next movie to hit a cable station to see it. I'm not spouting "Team Jacob!" statuses on Facebook (even if that's the side I lean toward.) Come ON friends, I might LOVE the Vampire legends and the spins that writers put on it, but I'm a Wolf Girl at heart. Always have been, always will be. The full moon is fascinating. I celebrate the release of my Werewhore about every month! And like Jacob said so bluntly to Edward, "I'm hotter than you." Furry Boy speaks the truth. *snicker*

I guess I just liken these movies to vegetables I have to FORCE my kids to eat:
"Try it, you might just like it!"

I will, however, NEVER NEVER NEVER get on board with blood sucking awesome creatures GLITTERING in the friggin' sunlight. HUGE mistake there. They couldn't have come up with ANYTHING ELSE to be the "tell" that these creatures are indeed vampires?? The sun turning all their veins visibly black, maybe? It would make them more bad ass. It would FIT the idea of them being horrible killers. Don't talk to me about irony either. "Oh but Katrina that's the point!! Something so deadly can be so..... beautiful....." Blah blah blah. Bullshit. Spike was beautiful without Glitter, damn it!

Now all I have to do to catch up on the other latest trendy Vampire universe is Netflix season one of True Blood.

Doesn't matter how great that one is though. NOTHING tops the Buffyverse for me. I'm a die-hard Sunnydale Girl when it comes to where my "favorites" reside. Until the casts of Twilight and True Blood whip out a Musical Episode, they can't touch Buffy!

.... glitter? REALLY?
Good grief.

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