When I Want Your Opinion I'll Give It To You

We (most of us) claim we don't judge others, but we do it. Own up! How many of you have been in a mall or a grocery store to see a child out of control and judge that parent for not keeping the kid in line? Your opinion is basically you saying, "I could raise that child better."

And yes, YOU do it, too.

It's human nature.

If you are a parent yourself and see this typical site, you don't go back in your mind when it was YOUR KID making an animal of him or herself, and how you wished the ground would open and swallow you whole so you could just be somewhere else. Nope. You flip to the whole, "Well they need to put a leash on THAT monster!" judgment.

If you do not HAVE children? Shut the fuck up, Seriously. In your head and your words? Just shut up. I won't pretend to know what it's like to be an astronaut or a teacher or a heart surgeon. I might have opinions on such things but I know that they're based on assumption and not fact.

That's the problem: Opinions ARE, indeed, like assholes. We all have them. Usually they all stink.

I rarely ask someone's opinion unless I REALLY want to know what they're thinking. I know they have an opinion. Most of the time? I just don't give a shit.

I live my life in accordance with what I think, and what my husband thinks. HE is the only other person I need to worry about either pleasing or pissing off in my life decisions. To an extent, my children as well, but they're still little. They don't get to have an opinion on whether or not we buy the generic or name brand cereal because they don't control the money or bring any into the house. They'll eat what is bought for them. That kind of thing.


It would seem lately, in certain circles, I have been the topic of discussion on how I live my life. More importantly, what I do for a living. More specifically, how much time it takes me away from my family.

Let me say this now, to whom EVER might be reading: Piss off.

Piss off!

My schedule varies. There are times I'm only gone a weekend. It's actually more often than not that any given comedy booking takes me away from home on a Thursday and brings me back Sunday afternoon.

Lately I've had several longer gigs closer together than I PREFER, but I'm not so stupid that I'm gonna turn down WORK that I get PAID FOR to CONTRIBUTE TO MY FAMILY's BUDGET.

I was gone almost a full week in April.
Then I turned around and took a full week three weeks ago.
Then I had another full week last week.

Apparently this got the chickens clucking. So much so I started to let the bullshit "Talk behind her back but NEVER TO HER FACE" crap get to me. I contemplated leaving comedy and expressed it to my husband who, accidentally, repeated it to our sons.

Spencer came at me in a vengeance.

"MOM! Are you REALLY quitting comedy????"

"No," I said to him. "I had a moment where I thought I might but decided against it."

My son hugged me TIGHT and said, "GOOD! I don't EVER want you to quit comedy."


So there you have it, back-talking, back-stabbing fuckwads.

MY KIDS are FINE with me leaving. At the thought of me quitting my son got MAD. Kids are more honest than adults could EVER be. IF he had any residual bad feeling about mommy leaving here and there, his reaction would've been "But I wanted you to quit" or "I'm glad you're quitting".

It was the stark opposite.

My husband 100% supports me.
My kids are behind me.

If I had a "regular job" where I worked Monday-Friday I'd actually be gone MORE. Every day. Without fail. GONE. And I don't judge parents who HAVE TO do this to make ends meet. I feel BAD for any Mother who HAS TO leave their kids in day care, who has to leave them every day, only seeing them a few hours a day, to make it in this tough world. Of course the nay-sayers will say "You don't HAVE TO be a comic". The fuck I don't. It is in me like someone gets called to be a nurse, a teacher, or any other profession that calls to someone. If you've never been inspired to BE something? I feel sorry for you, too, but back the fuck up off of ME.
When I am NOT on the road -- which is more often than when I am ON it -- I am here, 24-7. Morning, noon, night, through the night, with my children.

I don't give a rat's fucking ass where YOU stand. YOUR opinion? Doesn't matter. It's one of those ones that smells like an ill-wiped asshole after a scathing Taco Bell burning bowel movement.


And you know what? If it's jealousy behind your opinions? Fuck off. Just... fuck off. Delete yourself from my life, because I've had enough of all of it. I've had enough of the whispers and talk and bullshit. I'm done with it. I'm done with people who want to spout ill will because I picked something I wanted to become and am going for it. The chains holding you back in YOUR life are ones you wrapped all over yourself. THAT has NOTHING to do with ME. Get honest with yourself about your own self loathing and stop projecting it on to ME.



While we're at it?

Yes, I am getting my tits done. August 16th to be exact.

I'm going to take this mangled rack that nature gave me and HOPEFULLY have it turned into something normal. Or close to normal.

I am tired of adjusting my bra 900 times while I'm clothed.

I am tired of the broken blood vessels all along my right shoulder because the padding that I put in that side of my bra is NOT flesh, therefore does NOT stay put, therefore causes that bra strap to slip, slide, gouge my skin....

I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing what I see.

If you can't understand that? AGAIN.... Soooooo not MY problem. I'd like to know how my boobs became a point where YOU have any say. Tell you what, you tell me something about you that is so personal and let me chop at it with my opinions and then we'll call it even.

Yes, I have brought this very subject out of the shadows of my life and shared it with thousands of strangers. I put this topic on the block for discussion, however, I didn't ask what YOU thought about it. I shared because there are many women who have this feeling about themselves who like to have someone to talk to. If you have never felt like a freak? Don't judge us freaks. And if you HAVE felt like a freak? WHY would it be okay for you to judge someone else in the SAME BOAT YOU ARE IN?


Often on Facebook I WILL ask other parents advice about issues we have with our sons: Perhaps those replying have been through the same situation with children who have grown past the age of ours, and can help. Maybe their point of view is one I can't follow. The childless masses can kindly STFU though. If you haven't raised a child your assumptions don't mean jack. Parenthood IS the one area where, if you're not in the game? You don't get to play.



I feel better now.

I just shot out a lot of opinionated stuff here.

Get pissed at me if you feel you have a right to. I honestly don't care any more. I'm tired of worrying what other people think.

If Pat, Spencer, and Max are fine with the choices I make in this life? I'm doing right by my family. THAT, at the end of the day, is what MATTERS. The rest of you who want to piss and moan and bitch and whisper? You're just background noise. Like static on an old radio someone forgot to throw away.